lunacy fringe

2007-04-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

the nightingale and the rose.

“One red rose is all I want,” cried the Nightingale, “only one red rose! Is there no way by which I can get it?”

“There is a way,” answered the Tree; “but it is so terrible that I dare not tell it to you.”
“Tell it to me,” said the Nightingale, “I am not afraid.”
“If you want a red rose,” said the Tree, “you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart’s-blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life-blood must flow into my veins, and become mine.”

--------Oscar Wilde

2007-03-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

-Edit 2:51am

Seriously, so what has my girlfriend wearing pink shoes then has got anything to do with her ? So all she does all day is to criticise and talk mean. Get busy, go practice doing accounts and ace your course. She can keep all her critics for herself. I like girls in pink shoes. And pink shoes definately beat the fucking black face she have 24/7 without fail. And the amusing thing, she loves mistaking her black face for a pretty face. What the hell really. I think I hate her damn alot.

I'm so glad I'm out of TP. So I don't risk seeing her disgusting facade around at the bus stop or the bridge.

Really, writing a hate list is therapeutic.

--------------------------------------

Results are out and I am officially out of Temasek Poly :) Thursday tomorrow, the Fishes are going for japanese dinner at the airport, Friday would be my first night at work 8pm-2am, seeing Yunwen 10am on Saturday at Liat Towers Starbucks for egg petite breakfast. Sunday would be to the sun and pool with Amy. (Not forgetting the many gym sessions I insert into my schedule as and when.)

For now, I will slap on some makeup and head to Zouk with Yunwen and Jillene.

I really think I deserve the best things on earth.

2007-03-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody, its 1:56am now, and I just came back from Parkway Parade without my phone. I wonder why the person who found it didn't want to return it to me. And what, the phone was with me only during mid- June last year, and now its gone. So sms me all your numbers tmr evening if you all still want to talk to me okay. The number would be the same. 9385-7124.

I'm so sad. Everybody's leaving me. Even my phone. But I'm not exactly sad, because I really understand how corrupted human beings can get, and also about nothing being forever.

2007-03-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

When some professor was giving a talk about IMI,

Emily : Eh Yunwen, see that girl in stripes. Wah, I think she's quite goodlooking leh. Her hair damn nice, and her sideburn's very cool. But I don't think she's lesbian la hor ?

Yunwen : Eh, you damn hopeless leh. You drag me here for the talk. Then now, you're looking at girls. You come hear to listen or you come here to look at girls ?

-------- After 5 minutes of attentiveness and complete silence----

Yunwen : Eh, I feel like doing manicure leh. Shall we do manicure later ?

Emily : You come here to listen or you come here to talk about manicures ? Keep quiet.

How come we like that ? Anyway Yunwen, I just heard from another somebody that you lost alot of weight since secondary school days. Are you very happy ? Yay yay ! But still not enough to be a Fendi model okay ? Quick come back to fitness. Then we can run all day, and cycle all day. And then we can wear singlet and panties on our birthday !

2007-03-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

When I see my friends happy with their other half, I feel happy too. Like a week ago, Charmaine stole my phone number from Kang Wei's phone, dropped me a text about his surprise birthday party, stole my email address from Kang Wei's MSN contacts and added me to her list so as to share her ideas for the birthday party. She sounded almost excitedly happy telling me her plans for the day.

So what Charmaine did was to organise a poolside party for my best friend in Temasek Poly. She took the effort to inform all his friends, arrange for very good catered food, flowers and balloons to be decorated at the entire poolside, gathered all his photographs to come up with a slideshow, hired a professional photographer, ordered his birthday cake, and the nitty gritty details go on. The celebration itself costs her $3500, and Maine also specially imported PlayStation 3 from Japan which costs her another $900. " WAH THIS IS SIAONESS ! ", I exclaimed. " No, this is love. I want to do my best for him. ", Maine replied.

I felt proud for Kang Wei. And I felt proud of Maine too for giving such a convincing answer.

When I reach the place today, I cannot help but gaze in awe. Happily excited I am ! " HUH. I ALSO WANT LIKE THAT ! ", I told the rest of my classmates. I can dream on, really. So all of us stood around the poolside for 2 hours while waiting for the birthday boy. You see, he wasn't aware of this celebration at all, so we had to wait for Maine's cue. 1 minute before they arrived, all of his friends gathered at the enterance ready to pop the party popper anytime.

You see, it is people like Maine who made me realised that I deserve better. Who I really want is a girl who feels that I deserve the best from her. But for now,

Emily : I want to buy a dog. Next month !

EeSiew : Why ?

Emily : I need a living thing to be devoted to me. And since humans been failing me, I'll let an animal do the job.

EeSiew : Did anything happened ? You sound damn hurt and traumatised.

Emily : Yes ! They left me damn traumatised !! And I'm sick of what's been happening these years. You should know.

For now, I'll only settle for the girl who'd queue and buy me a donut to make me happy because she feels that I deserve the best. I will (try) not long for the girl who look as yummy as a donut but stack up the hurt by failing me. I'll bear in mind, and I'll keep safe. Humans fail you, most of the time.

2007-03-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today I met up for dinner and tea with Pei Ning again after 6 months. Its bad, because we had been relatively close friends. To see each other on an average of once in every 6 months is indeed bad :(

Because the last time she really got updated with my life was 6 months ago, I did most of the talking today. I've always been anxious to share bout what's been happening, and thus I left her with no opportunity to talk at all. Hahaha. So today I told her about the people I really love, those I like, who I sorta dislike, and who I really hate. I told her bout school, work, the LV wallet that's equivalent to sex, and we talked bout practically everything.

I hate to admit this; but I am sad. I know it shouldn't be this way today. I hate it that remnants of the past never fail to attack and make damage. I thought some reinforcements will do some good and I promise myself about returning life to myself. I head down FitnessFirst everyday to run alone, buy every single thing that makes me happy because I felt I deserve better. When I'm back alone at home, I'll write in my diary and wonder why my thoughts are all over the place. Afterwhich, I'll crawl under my covers hoping that the following days will be easier to get by as I stare at the purple wall, thinking about the exact cause of myself being upset still. But it doesn't really matter because the fact about myself being unhappy remains.

I can cut my hair short, and pretend I have a new life. I can leave someone, and leave someplace, but everything will follow me. I can change my friends, my daily routine, or even my name. But the distant memory will still haunt in the stillness of the night.

I'm scared. She seems so far away now. I said I wanted closure. But I don't want to ever forget.

It really hasn't been easy.

2007-03-08T06:26:00.000-08:00

If there's one memory I don't want to lose

That time at the mall

You and me in the dressing room

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remembered

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

2007-03-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

-edit 8 :17pm

10 minutes ago, I thought about needing to talk to Yunwen very badly. And then she came online ! Without having to breathe a word, she clicked on me and came straight to the point.

Sadness is all I feel :(

--------------------------------------------

-edit 8:07pm

I'm feeling so disturbed, plagued and horrid now. I don't think I can contain my sadness today. Yunwen, I want to talk to you. I'm so desperate I already tagged so much in your blog. Cause I think you're the only person who know what exactly is it that I want to deliver to you. Maybe I should sleep it away.

---------------------------------------

- edit 5:36pm

This morning, I woke up feeling mildly disturbed and very annoyed with myself. I felt the need to run. I went running but I didn't felt any better.

I refused to admit the problem. All these were supposed to be wrapped up and chucked away from months ago.

---------------------------------------

-edit 1:43am

I'm not in a very good mood right now, so I might sound quite anal with all my received idea about being private schools being lousy. Sorry, I do have friends studying in private schools, but I have to go about with my perception about certificates out of these places, out of place. I apologise really, and no hard feelings please. Look at statistics. Employment rate of graduates emerging from local universites as compared to those in private schools. Damn, these private schools are overrated. I mean, damn it, its just a money pooling school. If you're doing your diploma in a private school, you either didn't perform for O Levels, failed N levels, or got expelled from your polytechnic. If you're doing your degree there, you probably fucked up A Levels, or merely smoked through polytechnic life , but still want to pass off as a degree holder, somehow, someway. This is when the word " insignificant " and " mediocre " comes in. Come, overturn my conviction with all your stands, I'll challange you again with the statistics.

And the coup de grace of it all. I'm registering as a student with SIM this weekend. Guess which category of the above I fell under. I hate it, but beggers can never be choosers. I'm becoming part of what I call a "lousy school". Yes, I'm one of those students I described to be you just read a paragraph before.

I fucking hate it. I seriously think I've been screwing up my academic life too much. I have no options, but continue screwing it the way I screwed it, screwing it the best way I can ever do.

-------------------------------------------

i like how i make best friends with boys

step 1 : fly to bangkok

step 2 : go to 7-11

and grab cheap bottles.
" haiya, cannot finish just put in the fridge la ! so cheap ! "

step 3 : bunk in with 2 boys who smoke to choke up the entire room.

and another boy whom i always like to hang around with !

step 4 : buy dinner from road stalls.

step 5 : the boys continue smoking and drinking. emily says " eh you all don't drink and drunk and gangbang me hor ! " and proceeded to sleep.

i really like the 3 of them tagging behind me as i walked down chatuchak with dust layered face and dirty tee shirt with a pickpocketed stussy bag. " eh shaun, bargain for me leh ! i like this one. " and how shaun and kenneth and kangwei told me to cry in front of the corrupted thai officer when they got caught throwing cigarette butts on the floor. hahaha. i was scared stiff i ran away from the police but got caught again !

oh, all these were in oct 2005. how i missed !

2007-03-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

E : You've got a picture standing beside a whole alot of corns. You look very Chip and Dale there please. Haha, so very cute.

CT : That picture will be your birthday present !

E : You make sure.

How desperate are you, Emily.
(Yes I know Pei Ru, hate me.)

--------------------------------

2007-03-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

I am over at the Chen family tonight.
But I have doubts about Chen Ting coming home tonight.
She's seldom home anyway.
But mother just said she'll be back tonight.
And she's making Lele sleep with the parents tonight,
so Chen Ting and I have the whole room to ourselves.
HAHAHAHA.

I like nights over because I feel like I can torture and bully Lele alot.
But I still held her hand as we crossed to the opposite coffeeshop to takeaway food home(even though she's already 14).
Because I am the big sister,
and its my responsibility to take care of her.
and I've been holding her hand each time when we cross roads for the past 5 years already.

I like being big sister.

Here I am sitting, with my small sister behind me,
struggling with neutrons, electrons, and protons with the periodic table.

Tomorrow, there's Meet the Parents session with her school, and I am going !

My world revolves around too much time. and Chen family love.

Okay, I just attempted killing a baby cockroach for her in her room with her Chinese Workbook,
and she's mad at me.

2007-03-04T06:51:00.000-08:00

1. I was mildly smittened by this girl working while I have my cake at Cedele yesterday.

2. I couldn't stop " Starry eyed surprise. Dance all night " in Chester's car tonight. He shouted " SHUT THE FUCK UP. " and attempted struggling me quiet.

3.Amnesty international got Bangkok to Montauk on lock.

4. Sometimes I wonder, if its the life I missed having with her. Or is it her that I missed. 9 months.

5. But anyway, I think I want to go back Cedele for cakes again.

2007-03-03T04:14:00.000-08:00

Not my life

What the fuck seriously. When first chances come, seize it. Too late for regrets when its gone. What sad truth. Happy feeling chances-deprived under blankets, Emily.

Disclaimer : Moodswinging more than average. Bouts of feeling of deprivation triggers everything else.

2007-03-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have maternal instincts kicking in of late.

I think I want a baby daughter.

Then my girlfriend, my baby, and I will live happily ever after in a house.

2007-03-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

Today I laid on my bed with blood stained boybrief, and spun the songs in my iPod playlist from letter A to M. The weather makes me want to cuddle up, and I was lazy to bathe and change my boybrief out. I thought about how I mistreated myself the past 3 years, and that I deserve something good. I laid, and contemplated between Tokyo or Taipei, and a Gucci bag. And I made a list in my head of the people that I really want to see soon.

A text came in.

Yunwen : are you posessive ? nickee told me that cancerians make posessive gfs. i haven't really been posessive before. jealous maybe.

Emily : i was. but chen ting told me she doesn't like. she started seeing more girls. i managed to rid that trait since then.

I like random questions. I have all the time in the world to answer everything. Meet up with anybody and do anything. I need to not be greedy. Life is already good.

2007-02-28T06:54:00.000-08:00

FTP

I thought I'll want to let out a little yulp of happiness silently in the heart today after submitting my exam scripts, but no, guess what. I screwed up big time. And I think I am secretly prepared for one supplementary paper. Its okay, I know I've tried my best and it was stupid on my part today to make the most number of careless mistakes in my life. I hate figures. I love words. I hate calculations. I love reading and writing.

For the past one week, my neck hurts. My head hurts. I was mentally drained, and I feed on mostly plain water and sleeping pills. School was tough as hell. You all know how much I hate my course, don't you all. I can never comprehand what I am studying. But I still find ways to comprehand them somehow. Engineering was never my cup of tea and 3 years in an engineering course was hell. A whole load of computer programming was way technical for me. Some common terms used in my course are mainly - optical node, fibre optic, macro virus, application gateway, VLAN, PSTN, equalisation and the list goes on. 3 years in poly, I still have no idea what the above really are. Fucked up, you'd say, and fucked up I am.

But sometimes, I think I should be positive and be a little proud as an engineering student. I especially detest it when people think people in engineering school in polytechnics are lousy students. Certain business students especially(p/s : I'm not talking about every business student). We are the people who make, they are the people who market. If we don't make, they can forget about selling. If engineering students are lousy, then go manufacture your own mobile phones. If you are unable to manufacture one, then go market your toy phone and make do with small bucks. We will see who are truely the superior ones.

All bad things come to an end. This is liberation. This is rainbow after the rain. I'm a graduate. I'm done with Info-Communications. I no longer have to study out of pressure. I am ready for my next transition and I am going to finally be able to study out of joy again after 3 years. It wasn't easy at all. I don't know how I made it through.

Kang Wei and I always have our own Q&A session whenever we study together. We take turns questioning and answering to have better grasp of what we've studied and we learn from one another.

E : Okay, what is FTP ?

KW : File Transfer Protocol.

E and KW(in unison) : NO ! FUCK TP.

insert laughters of elation

2007-02-27T07:43:00.000-08:00

Today

I did a written vomit and completed my exam script in 20 minutes. I told my dad in his car about being desperate to get out of this shithole. I emphasized on the word " need " and "graduate " He listened attentively as I bragged about how hard I studied as I assured about being a sensible daughter. I think I am now, because based on statistics drawn(not too literally), I'm the only person in class who had improvements academically over the past 3 years. No, not that I am good, but I was poor to start with. The rest of them just got complacent and went downhill. Hahaha.

Because classmates like Kangwei long banished the thought of being a local degree holder but only think about being the towkay of 3 coffeeshops before he turn 30 years old, with a turnover of $15K per month per coffeeshop. As he plunged his spoon down into the bowl of chicken soup today, he said " Eh Emily, 3rd March, this Saturday, Toto grand prize $10million. Our next big chance. Steady not. " He might not realised this, but before I could reply and share my views, he went on about buying a Lamborghini just to park somewhere for fun. Like I remember him saying whenever he see few of us getting overly stressed up studying very hard for exams in the past, he'd say " Eh you all study hard k ? Then next time I set up my own company, I'll employ all of you. "

Hahahaha. Sucker. But guess what, I always end up being good friends with suckers.

This afternoon, I laid on my bed, and questioned myself hard if I really would put down my defenses, accept her bigamy rule of a relationship, and love her entirely as who she is. And if I can't, will she overwrite the rule with exclusive love instead ?

I think I should stop thinking about this. Or I'll be the death of me in time to come.

2007-02-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

You were best of friends with

Claudine.
Sally.
Jean.
Amy.

For the whole 4 months when Jean was back from Melbourne,
you only bothered meeting up with her ONCE.

For the entire December cruise trip, we were so happy talking about coming Bangkok trip in March. But seriously, I doubted you already then.

For the whole 10 times of past 1 month, I asked you out, you gave me either
1) Very tired
2) I want to spend sunday at home
3) I need to study
4) I got work to do
5) My mother ordering pizza back. Can't meet you.
6) I am not too keen.

You are never keen of and about the entire world. Maybe other than Furnise, who dragged you together into a puddle of shit back in SIM.

and I reckoned, you tell them all 4 same damn excuses to Claudine, Sally, Jean and Amy too. Till they cannot really be bothered with you anymore. Me now too. Stop the whatever question you ask me at Sushi Tei a month back about " So did you miss me the period of 2 weeks we never met up ? " It was 2 weeks, now you the great doubled it up to 4 weeks. Fact is, I didn't miss you at all then. But I knew I'll always want to make the effort to ask you out for good chicken pie and honey green tea at Parkway Parade.

And I'm finally the same as your old friends. The few who's disappointed with you and your stupid reasons about not being available. Go use your book of excuses on someone else, write somemore, all the liners you have in the book are long overdued.

What else, Stefanie. Stef fail me.

You can disappear. I never thought/said you were meant to stay anyway.

2007-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

the worst thing is to be very sick and feel very pathetic 2 days before your exams. other than, breakingup. and losing $5000. the next worse thing, is to fall sick 2 days before your exams.

SAVE TONIGHT.

2007-02-24T04:22:00.000-08:00

KN to the N

this is fucking agonizing. two afternoons ago, i was at gardens coffeebean studying with kangwei. there was silence. we were being really good kids and we always study very well together. and then for a moment, with a cigarette in his hand he said " eh see my head. got something is it ". i bent forward and i hahahahahah kangwei got birdshit ! i kept laughing and laughing. he was cool. he took a serviette, handed it to me, and i wiped it off from his hair. fresh and warm birdshit, he said " eh emily, buy 4D ! "

so we decided. OKAY. $8 BIG 9991. why 9991 ? because he loves his car more than himself. and his carplate number is 9991. i seriously don't know 4D. i just paid whatever amount he paid at Singapore Pools. afterwhich he said " if 9991 first prize, $5000. "

in his car at 2.00am last night, while he was driving, all exhausted from all the studying, i said " huh..really ah $5000. " being my best friend in poly, he assured me like he always did " yes. $5000. "

and just 10 mins ago, my dreams shattered on me.

when ah beng meets ah lian. na to the beh.

2007-02-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

So I embraced what Lynette Chiam called " mugger spirit " from yesterday after what I told her on MSN at 12.10am about wanting to head out to study alone. I am excited about studying, and I don't feel exactly burnt out. All because I've been wanting out since 3 years ago, and finally there's a next transition a week from now. I like how my life will pan out for me- I would never have guessed but I know all is good. I am enthusiastic about life. But did I mentioned about giving up on things lately.

Whatever doubts I have, whatever I feel, I'll say " This too shall pass. "
And I guess life should be okay as long as faith and principles stay.

2007-02-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

After heading for sleep at 12.30am, I had two nightmares. Woke up with with a bad throat and a fever. I have 3 papers to sit for next week and this is getting more fucked up than ever. My menses better not come this week to piss me double.

I always end up crying under covers.

2007-02-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

I regret my evening nap because I woke up more lethargic than ever. I've checked the mail account 10 times, scrolled the MSN list 12. And slammed the fridge door countless. The chapters of the notes are waiting to be read. I have 5 months of vacation ahead. The 4 previous entries of mine began with 'I'. I should stop being self centered or either that, find better ways to start a paragraph.

Now I have to think of moronic ways to stop the throbbing pain in my head and eat some jellies.

2007-02-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

I spent the first hours of Chinese New Year drowning Vodka mixers, jugs of Screwdrivers, and favourite Tequila shots, talking lives and fucking them situations all with hella funny games with Kenny Nah. I laughed like crazy.

For a moment, it was not easy to not think that everything lasts forever. I was happy.

This is my new addiction. Give me a weekend alcowhorelic buddy.

2007-02-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

Time isn't inside the clock, but Love, sometimes is inside our bodies

I was hopelessly in love. But I knew it wasn't mere childish infatuation or just loving out of a brief moment of vanity. I had a firm stand about how she'd be the only girlface I'd change and give up everything for. It was just one glance 6 years ago. She came; I didn't know what I'd be in for. She left; I don't know what else she's gotten me into.

We took seperate paths 3 years ago. Today, when she opened her wardrobe, I saw a myriad of colored cloths of none that I'm familiar with. And standing on the table, a bottle of neon yellow CK One Electric scent, and a Gucci bag strewn on the floor. Her hair of a different cut and color. But we were great and there was this chemistry both of us still share together today as an individual when our skin touched and what felt like a dash of surrealism when I looked into her eyes. No, I refused penetrating into her eyes like laserbeam for fear of encountering the huge devoid of love ecstacy which she used to put me through with. Today I sat and questioned silently in inebriated wonder, " Do I have some or do I have none. " And so I sat at a corner, stealing occasional glances of her as she stood there, at the oddest position chewing on fishball. I glanced with much adoration.

She laid face-down on my stomach like a whiny child. I felt like a small girl , in one of those silly romantic daydreams, in which'd dream of her Prince Charming, as I ruffled her hair. And there lying so closely on me, I had the girl of my dreams. There was a whiff of a fine blend of both love and bliss in the atmosphere of my world and thereupon, the word 'Paradise' became an understatement. All we had moments ago may have lasted for a short while, but the moment of happiness that filled me would stay with me for long after, like it had always been. And, till I see her again, probably months later.

And the second closest to sweetness she did and said today ; " Quick, quick ! Smell my feet ! ", and she gently had her feet on the bridge of my nose. " Can you stop bullying me or not ? ", I retorted. But you have not a clue how much I was smiling deep within.

2007-02-14T03:43:00.000-08:00

- edit 12:31pm

i was asleep still half hour ago. some 94747xxx called and i answered the call in the most sleepy fashion. A for Anonymous.

A : hello emily ! where are you ?
E : huh, who are you.
A : its me la ! huh, you don't know who am i ?
E : i don't know who. who are you ? are you jiemin ?
A : yar ! i am jiemin ! hey friday want to come my house eat dinner ?
E : [suspicion level grew. i'm hardly even acquainted with jiemin.] hmm, okay where do you stay ? [ in attempt to test]
A : i stay in sengkang !
E : is it ? but i thought you stay at bukit batok ? since when you move house ?
A : [in attempt to hide her identity, thus changed topic] hey how come you sleep in so late ? no school ? [and emily listens harder to her voice, and was mighty ashame of herself for not knowing who's the other party.]
E : i got no school on wednesdays. hmm okay la, i will go to your house on friday night.

i am most apologetic for not being able to differenciate her voice. afterall, its the voice that got me hooked on, the voice of the girl whom i gave my heart, body and soul to the past 5 years. A for Affinity. thank you today that i woke up to your voice. happy valentines you silly ! see you on friday :)

-------------------------------------------

i have a new addiction.

who wants to drown a bottle this weekend night with me in a state of inertia, get some mind numbing entity and forget together our object of affection ?

but you know what. how many times have i done this before.

my eyes had been painful the entire day from last night and i just scalded my lips and tongue all together.

2007-02-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

i wanna travel through time
see a surprise
hold you so tight
i'm counting down the days tonight
i just wanna be a million miles away from here

natalie imbruglia, mild intoxication, and i'm secretly afraid of everything in city hall. and because she don't know, she cannot judge. because she wouldn't know. and she'll not understand.

i don't want to be here,
if you're gonna be there.

and i'm counting down the days.

repeat first stanza.
and on to second.
repeat
and it goes on.

p/s : stop singing in riddles you'd grumbly say. but i like it when you whinge and whine. and this is exactly what i want to say.

2007-02-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

just last thursday, i passed kerly her present.

its a very cutesy wallet ! and guess what's it ? few people can guessed. its actually a chocolate bread. stupid kangwei thinks its indian spongebob.

and i bought one for myself also ! so just now, kerly asked if i have named my bread. yes ! mine is miss puddle. so i asked kerly " how bout your bread? "

okay anyway she's too tired to think further. she suggested tommy, sam, belly, dotty, smiley and i suggested jelly telly and orange. but guess what she wants to call him in the end- mister cutesie.

i think she will want to change his name again tmr. okay, goodnight ! tomorrow is my last week of school already !!

2007-02-11T04:50:00.000-08:00

i was looking into all of my pictures folders and decided that i want to post some up today.

funny like hell, nostalgic like hell.

8 years old with bangs.

13 years old with sec 2 best friends.
guangpei on extreme left
lynette on extreme right.
i still love lynette. but no longer guangpei.
funny how friends disappear from my life.

denise was there during my worse breakup.

gloomy rainy afternoon at parkway parade.
can you see fish and co ?

it still brights up a little :)

17 years old emily brings 10 years old lele

for some disney on ice. last year when i asked her

" eh want go disney on ice not. "

she said,

" you still small ah. "

18 with a huge homemade hotfudge cake by jason and edward.

18 who's trying damn hard to move on from someone.

she's below.

there.

chen ting and our intended baby.
i'd have gladly titled this " so much love "

young and innocent, in genting highlands.

2406 babies. and wenling's 21st birthday cake.

emily and stefanie goes to work.

campus superstar. heeheehee.

and if peirce gave me a best friend. it'd be xue xia.

oh, i love them so !

them two, who taught me most about life.
and who enjoy shouting at me
" don't talk talk talk ! go cut baguette ! "

and if temasek poly gave me a best friend,

he'd be kangwei.

kangwei and emily goes to bangkok.

at my tannest.
" eh wenling, next time you call me BB k ? don't care. beach babe lor ! "
hahahahaha !

the female fishes really love sentosa !

peiru, stefanie, emily loves cheap cheap phuket !

and cheap cheap roadside chendol at penang !

this is the sweetest she left me with.

hey stef, this picture quite kawaii hor.

emily pretends to see a flasher ! hahahaha.

emily goes banana boat with wenling, kenneth.
and was the first to fall ! after 20 seconds. hahahaha.

hey wenling ! both of us look pretty here ! don't care if they call us thick skinned k ?

melonhead.

$2 roxy cap $3 abercrombie, and a very cute captain hook !

lipread : BITCH. very rude jason.

we looked so happy here. and stef, why you lie on me and
laugh until like that.

goodbye!

2007-02-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

fish food friends fun family fish forever and forever

hello all fishes, can you all take a look at this please. and tell me if you feel anything. this may not be at parkway. but i felt alot.

the best moment i had in my life so far, is not with my primary school friends. neither my secondary school friends. neither is it with st john. neither is it any of the ex girlfriends. and definately not my life in temasek poly. the best moment i had in my life by far, is undoubtly with fish and co. i know none of you missed fish and co as much as i do. i know not you kenneth, cus you had been wanting out from that place you called " shit place. " i know not stef too, cus she hardly works. not jason too cus he feels that fish and co treats their staff like crap. but nonetheless, i love fish and co. every individual thing that made up fish and co. the tatar sauce. the chips. the hot kitchen. the runaway customer. the tablecloth. the table settings. the chicken staff meal. the hot customer at table 53 that sunday night i'll always remember. the ashtray. the lemon wedges. the barmat. the schedule book. the irritating inventory i have to do. the broom. the mop. the smelly overnight mop water. the smelly apron. the hairnet. the polaroids at the bar. our faces.

all of you, every spontaneous beautiful individual fish friends. i love you.

2007-02-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

The initial plan tonight was to go prawning. Yunwen says " Abit lazy leh. Let's go Cafe Del Mar instead. " And so I agreed much with anticipation last night. But guess what, I slept my afternoon away today and woke up feeling lazier than ever. So there goes the sipping of Malibu mixers in a jacuzzi pool overlooking the beach on a Friday night, in the company of loud and funny friends. I gave up all these, and had....

stories about R's first lesbian sex encounter. (identity all kept confidential. )I could almost see all these coming when I heard about her flying to Sydney few weeks back.

part 1 :

part 2 :

part 3 :

part 4 :

part 5 :

part 6 :

part 7 :

part9 :

part 10 :

part 11 :

I present the above to you R, my fish friend. I love my fish friends because they are mainly spontaneous, honest and very funny. When all of us get together, go figure what other nonsense we share and talk about. Heehee. Okay, go ahead change your opinion about me.

2007-02-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

do away your longest ever for the shortest ever.

go fisnipgure.

-edit 12:29am

my gauge is 20%.

yunwen says she loves me more than 20%.

how about you ?

2007-02-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

tuesday tonight, kerly sent(manually, one by one) me a total of 63 Class 95 classic love songs and fed my ipod fat with patience. thank you, girl !

-edit 4:59pm

i woke up at 930am today. the first thing i did was to reach for my phone, dial a 8 digit number and started talking in the most unpleasant tone. seriously. what is wrong with these people. immediately i know, wednesday is gonna suck. not a very good day indeed.

-edit 8:27pm

and kerly sent me more songs ! i think its a 100 plus songs, from her playlist, in alphabetical order A to Z. she sent it all one by one. patient and hardworking indeed ! but, a little horrid.

kerly the meanie. okay anyway she just chose already. okay, going for movie now !

2007-02-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

yunwen24emily06

Your Birthdate: June 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.
A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.
You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.
You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.

Your strength: Your devotion

Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness

Your power color: Lilac

Your power symbol: Heart

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

look at this yunwen ! see. we are devoted, and has high tendency of relying on our other half for happiness. they are our sun, moon, and rainbow.and we only have one sun, one moon, one rainbow, one love. we think that the world crashed on our faces when they left us. and we are more often that not, ex obsessed and on pause mode, never on ffwd. no wonder you still talk about caleb and still cry when you drive through the familiar route. like me like me, same like me ! you know i'm like that too right. how man. i think we can stop attempting to stop bothering and not care, cus i think its never gonna work. this is what makes us 2406 babies. this is what that sets us apart from disgusting heartbreakers.this is what that makes us stupidly say " right here waiting for you " to them heartbreakers. this is what makes us so uniquely beautiful. yay !

oh man, what else. we are natural born therapist too ! and people enjoy our company ! i think its true, cus i enjoy your company. do you enjoy mine too ? heehee.
we have maternal instincts and often appear as a motherly figure. yummy ! no wonder so many people love us. heehee.

p/s : yes yoga sex sounds damn erotic indeed. i love you yunwen. there is this one thing that sets us apart though. your huge super duper figure so different from mine ! hahahahahaha ! hate me. k la, i love you k ? come back to fitness !

pp/s : how about we fall in love with each other. we'll never leave each other right ? since you will be devoted, and i will be too. hug you, kiss you, love you k ? but you also not andro leh. how ?

2007-02-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

Your Love Type: INFJ

The Protector

In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship.
For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls.

Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in.
However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself.

Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

What's Your Love Type?

who's truthfully eligible to judge ?

-

i haven't been to tampines mall(though its just a 10 minutes bus ride from school) for the longest time. this evening, i was at tampines mall. evenings at tampines mall causes heartaches.

brighter note; emily the damnfuntobewith will be back in 22 days time. i cannot wait. she too. this is her third transition. she says either to rewind her back or fast forward her. either one will do. she doesn't want to be paused. she can't be paused. its damn painful, and she's damn afraid. hell will break loose. impossible for her to do rewinds anymore too. so she exclaimed fast forward turbo speed. her life must pan out right this time round. the sun at the beach awaits her. get sunburnt damn badly change her skin. get new skin. and she wants to change everything. traces of the past should all be swept clean. she'll swallow her own neglect. if necessary, change her mind. change her behaviour. change her friends. change every possible thing she doesn't want. change every damn thing that makes her unhappy. because every other happy thing awaits her. enough of the 'baby, come back.' she will get very lost in her own trance-sition. and it will be hella good.

2007-02-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

embrace pure lesbianism

you know i don't watch project superstar. until kerly says " i'm so proud of diya ! " so hmm, okay sunday's studying day at home. i managed to watch the finals just now. and plus kerly said " she was quite andro in school. " then i paid double attention to diya. hmm, not bad. she makes me happy. but seeing geraldine on tv makes me even happier ! heehee.

oh, i love geraldine so ! nothing could possibly describe my undying obsession for her. but anyway, i'm damn angry that diya didn't win ! makes stacey and i very furious :(

and stace really bears a slight resemblance of diya ! oh and i really like talking to stacey because she's quite a lesbian of extreme power. so all we talk about are the hottest women around, being turn off by butches, to want to live togets with our girlfriends, to play andro and all you know of.

and we are lovers of trance ! except that she's for armin van burren and i'm for dj tiesto. but we're going kandi bar together after my exams ! yay, many post exams activities coming up.

-
on a seperate note....

okay nothing else already. tomorrow's monday. here's something to kickstart the week.

delicious face, delicious skin, delicious position. enough said. guess who ! * insert emily gets excited emoticon *

---edit 1.03am

kerly just got home from watching project superstar live ! and guess what !

why didn't you kerly. pouts whines frowns.

2007-02-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

zeeee' secret to living a happy life

you predicted this didn't you. yunwen, you're a thank god i found you. individually; $89.90*2 for bags is good. $42 a meal with lime juice tasting like distilled water, hollow crab pincers , sashimi not as wonderful as those in Sakuraya, but we enjoyed anyhow. exhausting the savings book, doing everything buffet style. no qualms of guilt, no complaints. only more mind-blowing fun to come.

talking boys/girls/fat body and skinny body/ brazillian waxing/hot people/not too hot people/what i wanna be/lectures and exams/look sweet or look hot/my 21st birthday/breakup aftertaste/hahaha you look so ugly in this picture, i put in my blog !

greatest pretender. she didn't even peel the prawns. meliza did.

mae & meliza

meliza & m-ily

blurred for a single purpose. twin flame soulmate.

i like yunwen because she's a 24th June baby. like me too. and i like her even more because she's my personality in replica. if you think i'm a riot, she is too. i like her most because we always say " eh, we're damn alike ! oh my god ! ", ' if i don't like, definately emily also won't like one. " yunwen, emily and their " hey we're so fat. lets go fitness "- but still have a million buffet trips to fulfill. get excited and happy over hot people, only to terminate the happiness by saying " shit la. i don't think he/she will like me . how. i damn scared no hot and nice boys/andros will like me." i like yunwen because her ex boyfriend ignores her now like how my ex girlfriend ignores me too. and we're losers because we take donkey years to really move on. i like yunwen because we can get brutally honest with each other, and not get angry. i like you yunwen ! and i think you're my 3rd best friend(yes, so childish right. but i'm very stingy with friendship love thus i see a need to rank my friends !) honoured or not ? only a year of friendship and you manged to climb so high k ? fat or skinny, i like you all the same. and i am indeed glad that i was at gardens' coffeebean sept '05. thank god i found you, pumba.

and today i had a hard time searching for trespassers williams' albums. only to find out they cost $53 each.

don't force me into piracy seriously. plant me a money tree yesireee' !

2007-02-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

i have no pictures of human faces. let the 4 course meal suffice you too, okay ?

and so i spent friday night sitting on steps with vodka raspberry, perfect songs for the moment, and the freedom of a vacant spot. not forgetting a friend by my side.

tonight i feel happy. and i'll be even happier tomorrow seeing my twin flame soulmate. i foresee us retelling of the past months ; same stories with minor differences, cursing out of desperation, rewarding ourselves with our favourite food, spending compulsively. all in all, to make up for our overwhelming sense of loss. (mine, at least.)

see you, yunwen !

2007-02-01T05:20:00.000-08:00

if you can't steer, then it'd be safer to drop the anchor

trespassers william is the only one who could sing to make me cry. she sings. she sings weariness completely convincing.

in case you're wondering. but i'm fine. i need to own all of her albums. stock up her tracks in my itunes, each so individually beautiful. and then i know i am not alone.

2007-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

you could be happy

i woke up new today, with an urgent need to snip my hair away. i feel the need to feel almost weightless. and then i walked kilometres home tonight with the skin feeling so good from the cold breeze. i have exams around the corner, some other miscellaneous issues to care about, but the clutter ironically felt cleared today. i gravitated towards the wave of liberation and felt a tiny moment of happiness. i recalled the times i felt were hard, and how i eventually got through them. i remember destructing and being destructed. today's an extraordinary day. there's nothing in this world you can't face.

but i could feel the little part still there lurking in the atmosphere, always ready to attack when the heart is at its weakest point. there's a part of my life that needs to be dissolved, a past that needs to be squared away. but i don't know which is it exactly and i'm not able to pinpoint. and it will continue to scare the hell out of me.

i need to cut my hair, throw some dollars at the mall, drink alcohol and down spoonfuls of nutella on a lonely highway. my best company would be trespassers william and i want to feel like a kite flying so effortlessly listening to her. for the most part of it, finally, i want to realise that beautiful things can come from the dark too.

i could really be happy.

2007-01-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

emily : my relationship with her was very fast moving and intense.

yunwen : that's why breakup also so fast moving and intense.

very bad, and sad indeed :( and yunwen, you know this. you always say things that makes me more upset.

2007-01-29T05:11:00.000-08:00

i had a good laugh coupled with many "huh(!)" and "wahh(!)" together with the rest of the " oh my god ! " two hours ago when i was on the phone with xue xia. i seriously have drifted much from the secondary school girls, so much that xue xia had to laugh at me for being outdated and not being updated with the latest hapz that had been going on around our circle of friends.

apparently, there was a showdown on saturday night in which i missed cus i've been the laziest to budge of late. hmmm, so firstly, it was disbelieve. and then disgust. so much that it makes me shudder and cringe to hear things from a blabbermouth who grew up together, almost closely, (but again, not close at all, cus i never let really let her in my life lest she blabber my life away). its the horrible things she say, and the disgusting things she did that makes me want to hide in a hole, far away from where she is. she's cruella/scar/the witch who gave the poisonous apple to snow white/ the evil step mother of cinderella and i was the legendary no. 1 " huh i don't think i like her " girl in our circle of friends. but i think wendy tan had totally stripped my title off on saturday night by wearing her guts on her sleeves, because i never really did a confrontation, and beat her hands down, made her lose ALL(i'd think its all, unless her skin is wood thick) pride. but indeed, i am glad, that people like, candy, pei ning, xue xia, wendy, and i had successfully done some major pruning by getting rid of the unwanted and decomposed.

well, no one's perfect. neither am i. but i'm just being honest(at least.) unlike so that some people fake it so everybody thinks she's miss too-nice-girl-to-be-victim , hoping everybody loves her(come on, spare us from the " friendship is about...yada yada, it takes two hands to clap" crap you have in your blog. friendship to you, is about hypocrisy and talking mean about them and their misfortunes) yes, you need attention and i reckoned that you already got your desired share of attention from wendy last saturday. now, a lesson learnt, and don't you ever forget that the cheap things you say will never mean well, just like how cheap shoes will never take you far.

its must be the work of the hormones that's making my face a massive pimple plantation. seriously, i think its the stress level. like the mcomm test i have come wednesday. and the 3 last exam papers i'm going to take in another 3 weeks. i need help !

but on a happier note. guess who's graduating soon ? heehee.

2007-01-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

best friends fold clothes together.

nothing appeals here. except janna, and her gucci bag.

hello, my name is janna phua. i am 12 years old,

and i am here today, because my sister say to tag along.

i can't wait for them to pack bag, so i can go home.

my classmates in shanghai don't call me janna.

they call me phua jie ya(!)

& i know what is a lesbian. means, girl likes girl !

this is my sister's sex friend.

they talk porno all day.

jac phua, your nostrils want to how biggie.

st johnnies forever ever !

E & J

E : eh, how much you sell her ?

J : $15 lor.

E : but i thought you said $20 !

J : anything la. must give discount right, same species what.

E : HAHAHAHA. what ! then i also lesbian. also same species, still dare to charge me so expensive !

J : you also not butch. you butch meh ? you bind meh.

E : whatever la k. i don't care. you do a free shirt for me.

funny will always be funny.

2007-01-27T01:31:00.000-08:00

1. i said i was serious about mc-ing friday.

2. i still have to pretend i'm going to school. yes i admit i am daddy's girl !

3. wenling, you're damn suay to see me online at 6:35am, and to get dragged by me to parkway for breakfast.

4. kerly's rabbit farm at home ! 10 bunnies hoppity hop. below are pictures of tissue, graham, yummy, tummy, cookies, raisin, piper, granola, muesli, muffin ( in random order.) oh muffin's my favourite indeed. not forgetting raisin's cute pile of poop. heehee. and the video's titled - kerly says " yay kiss my toe graham ! "

5. 22 points ( somemore !) and 1 immediate failure. why you drive dead end road emily ! oh why you want to trick me into driving dead end road ! no ? you're supposed to watch out for the sign yourself !

6. chicken pie with stefanie at parkway again ! oh, i think i'm growing sick of them pies. i am crowned parkway queen.

7. my heart's pounding damn hard against my chest and i can feel the tension and everything else that's gonna screw tmr up.

and today, my ipod was on shuffle mode. most ah lian lyrics ever ; " and you fly like an angel, into these arms of temptations "- Liberation, Armin Van Burren. hahahahaha.

for consecutive days, i will wake up at a particular hour and do continuous sneezing 5 times before i fall back to sleep again. hmmm, what does that mean ? signs ? is it trying to tell me something, emily ?

yar, time to clean your dusty room. change your bedsheets too.

okay whatever. its 27th Jan 2007. and it epics alot yo' !

2007-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

tonight i crave fruity jellies, chocolate bread, custard puffs, strawberry short cakes, and sweet smelling sponge cakes.

the entire confectionary will be good too.

2007-01-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

details and directions ; ammelie@gmail.com/charine@homeclub.com.sg

2007-01-24T05:35:00.000-08:00

the be all and end all

i think i am being unfair to my diary. i update it on an average of once in 3 weeks. none in 3 weeks on good days, and thrice in 2 days on bad days. i am ungrateful and i only turn to it when i'm in the dumps, feeling all negative feelings of sorts. when my life is all dandy and peachy, i leave it only till the day when i need to rely on it again only to see it covered with a layer of dust. i wrote in the most in 2004 and 2006. and i wrote my first entry of '07 on monday.

my mind's been terribly clogged by bad thoughts. and they always come attacking untimely. like when exam's 4 weeks away and reports due tmr/the day after next. or rather, i doubt anybody in the right state of mind would consider any period timely for bad thoughts. nobody like bad thoughts and negative feelings.

what i felt mostly, in the past, was disappointment. and because the disappointment's left untouched with no attempts to turn it into a gleaming hope by anyone(that includes me), stagnancy sludges up. and the overtime of stagnancy only results in me feeling all uninspired today. like dull. like dead fish. like i- don't- know- and- i- think- i- don't-want- to- care- anymore. because if you care somemore, you know you'll die of exhaustion, someday, sometime.

so, i've been sleeping so much since ystd and i only hope to sleep more into oblivion. i haven't gotten down to revision yet which i think i should. but on the other hand, i think i will mc this friday away. because the school doesn't make the timetable right for me and i hate school for it. (and of course everything else that makes up the word 'school')

i need to buy a happy big mug to contain my daily dose of chamomile tea. i don't like to run trips to the kitchen just to do refills. not on bad days especially.

2007-01-23T05:27:00.000-08:00

hahaha. sulky kenneth in bintan early morning.

-

i missed every saturday spent with kenneth. i remember us finding heaven in a subway sandwich. he'd go for the teriyaki chicken and i'm for the turkey breasts. and he drinks strictly diet coke. 4 months straight, we spent every single saturday together. and except for the saturday when i was in japan. i remember him asking me to cancel my flight. but now, he's so busy with school and attachment work. i haven't seen him for so long already. the last show we caught together was charlotte's web. that was a month ago. i kinda missed him. i asked just now, " how's love life ? anybody ? " he said " no la. no time. if got time, i would go out with you already. "

oh captain hook. my best boy friend. i missed you ! i hope you never get attached, and be my saturday boyfriend forever !

2007-01-22T03:26:00.000-08:00

sitting, waiting, wishing.

guess who woke up, messaged at 2pm
when i woke up at 10am
when we slept at 4am.

hello i am butterfingers stef.
my friend, emily said to be be careful with her precious present.

but i toppled the entire box anyhow.

we are uber pretentious people
we do not like studying,
but we enjoy posing with them books once in awhile.

on boring days, we make faces.
emily is trying to make a banana face
like the banana print on her tee
after hearing banana pancake by jack johnson.

we had a 15 min bumpy bus ride to japan.

and had 2 plates of what seemed like,
fried worms.

-

9pm onwards, stef disappeared and kerly appeared. i bought kerly a pack of yucky gummies. hohoho.i really didn't know they were yucky. but she finished all the yellow ones nevertheless. and i still cannot fathom how she knows which are the yellow ones when the theatre is dark like that. like in mr march, while she was driving, i took all these. (okay, no she took the second one.)

oh kerly, why are you so sulky face despite
me being beside ?

oh lovely birds and bees,
now kerly is happy face.

:)

2007-01-21T10:06:00.000-08:00

3.30am, i've been spending the last 3 hours online with kerly, making each other ransack both our pictures folders and exchanging photos. i've seen primary school and secondary school kerly and her A level days in rjc and of course her med days now. and she too, seen me in poly semester one days, and then tanned emily and fair emily and phuket emily and melonhead emily. it was such a happy time taking turns changing our display pictures once every 1 minute. and then kerly was the greatest cheaterbug of all !

because both she and kermin looked so alike from the very small picture in the display, i got cheated ! :(

and then suddenly she said " just to make you happy " and showed this.

this is the seriously the ultimate. i've never seen a picture like that. just lack of another person only, and i'll die immediately of heart attack.( pr, stef, you all know what i'm trying to say here right. hahaha.) i know chen ting and kerly are rugby friends. but i cannot imagine now, after i talk so much to kerly almost everyday, how she and chen ting spent christmas eve 2003 together. then, where was i ? probably sulking somewhere thinking why chen ting must go out with her friends. hahaha.

oh, its sunday already ! goodnight !

2007-01-20T05:01:00.000-08:00

sham poo(pun intended.)

i forsaked my trusty pantene shampoo two weeks ago for the BOOTS(yar, i know what the hell is BOOTS. you only know what BOOTS is if you are a bangkok baby like chen ting. p/s : she visits bangkok on average of 7 times a year.) shampoo i bought from phuket last month. it smells of honey(!) and oatmeal(!)( i love anything honey, oatmeal, caramel and berries !) in a very big plastic squarish bottle. very big bottle for only 53bhat. and best of all, it turns your hair into hay ! it doesn't lather at all and it reminds me of dog shampoo. except that it is even cheaper than dog shampoo.

stef, how many bottles did you buy that day ? i don't understand why you like this kind of shampoo and can tell me its popular and selling fast like hotcakes. must be all the dog owners.

whatever. and i am getting grumpy from my hayir(read. hair). i refused to use other brands of shampoo for now. i couldn't remember who was it who stared at me in disbelief when i said i've been using pantene for the past 5 years. i remember it was when i first fell so hard for chen ting, i need to smell her and be in denial that she is around me when she's not beside me and so i started using the same shampoo as her. so crazy, it lasted for 5 years. and it'll go on as long as i'm sane or insane. (hahaha. i am not a hopeless romantic and i didn't say that ! but pantene is indeed good !!)

-
ystd, jason and i had dinner at parkway fish ! i was late. upon arriving, i saw this server carrying a huge mug of what seemed like a seamonkey freeze.( sea monkey freeze is of brownish orangey color.) and i exclaimed,

" wah jason wee ! why you order freeze ! can finish not, so big. and why you go order sea monkey freeze ? so yucky. "

and then jason and the server stared at me puzzled, saying " huh ? this is jungle freeze what.(jungle freeze is of whitish yellow color.) " and the server frantically repeated " this is jungle freeze, yes correct jungle freeze. "

and then even-more-puzzled-but-almost confident-emily said " NO ? THIS IS SEA MONKEY FREEZE. I SEE ALREADY I KNOW ITS PINEAPPLE AND GRANADILLA. how can it be jungle freeze ? don't believe, you try ! "

and indeed !! i witnessed the unusual expression on jason's face upon his first sip. " eh emily, this is really not jungle freeze. " and then he brought the mug to the bar person. guess what the bar person told him ?

" this is CONFIRM jungle freeze."

wah pek chekness along, i went to speak to the manager on duty. i think all the parkway staff can seriously go home. even i, the laziest and most unmotivated bar person who always don't wipe the bar top know what is wrong ! (what i'm trying to say is, i'm the authentic fisherian and its their loss to have lose me. hahaha.) and i'm so upset parkway became a place like that, full of complains and sulky-eh-you-owe-me-salary faces. all the pretty girls are gone. ( yes, i'm trying to say that during our time, got alot of pretty girls who everyday smile and laugh.) and now the entire place is filled with weird people who don't know their job too well.

and we shared a platter for 2 ystd. upon my very first mouthful of yellow rice, i wanted to
cry :( everything was how nostalgic please. jason had to say " wah emily, need to so emo not. " i haven't tasted their rice eversince i left fish and co. i grew so sian of eating it last time, i haven't touched it ever since.

oh sadness. you all don't know la. and probably never will understand. i think nobody loves fish and co like i do. maybe other than ann. all you heartless people just want to how glad that you left that shit workplace and don't need to face nasty customers anymore :( but you all don't care about the good and bad times we shared in that small little place that perpetually reeks of sotong.
:(
today, i had a slab of salmon sashimi. rainy night and sappy music and feeling quite raw you go figure.

2007-01-19T20:07:00.000-08:00

-edit

when you spend thursday night with alot of food and a siao char bor, you laugh like siao and time pass in bullet speed. last night, i had steamboat. with wenling & boyfriend, a scrawny boy named sebastian, a laugh damn alot girl named jillene, a just returned from aussieland girl named meliza, and a siao char bor who's always rock steady talking about anything and who's so dearly loved by me called yunwen. here's what been happening.

not like you have not seen a steamboat, but i just want to show can.

yunwen, red bowls, jillene, steamboat, wenling's arms

pumba & timon.
( eh babe. actually you can upgrade and be simba already.
your hair so nice and long and machiam mane !)

yunwen says " i miss that girl so much."su ying, su ying! wo hen xiang ni ah"

yunwen, they will never know how much love i have for you. because you are so crappy. like me. because you are so vain. like me. because during my most desperate days to slim down, you were there. and told me you were as desperate to slim down(hahaha). because we do everything unglam together. i love you, like how you love the crumpler bag boy at breadtalk paragon(but maybe not as much as you love Caleb.) thank you for knowing everything about me, me and who, me and why, me and when, me and how. and lastly for saying " eh tmr i cannot go clubbing ! i got one pimple ! " i love you !

ling. ly.wen.lene.za

yunwen trying and pretending to be in the shot naturally when initially

she was out of the frame. hahahaha. i want to expose you.

hee hee hee.

yunwen says "followed by a crazy drive through AMK in search of a particular house. Imagine that. me with my rotund tummy tucked under the steering wheel, risking getting my car crashed with every passing vehicle. "

and then yunwen was damn nice to volunteer to send me to 123 ellington square. all my friends(actually only wenling and yunwen) who had once volunteered to fetch me there despite my utter horrid direction sense, rain or shine, thank you for being few of the greatest friends !

one last note. can you all not ask me " oh yes emily, when is your next driving test again " anymore. for those who remembered from the first time i told you, good for you, and you deserve it because you love/care for me enough that's why you bother remembering. heehee. for those who don't, blame it on yourself for not being meticulous enough. and stop asking me when is my next test date. cus i hate the thought of it and i wished to nua into oblivion and not care. but i know i cannot not care.

yes i know i better learn to love it.

-----------------------------------

i think i should take a nap first because i spent 4 hours eating dinner , 1 hour in the car travelling along not so lonely highway, and making too many reverses around amk avenue 4 in search of 123 ellington square last night. and i woke up at 6.45am today for school today.

2007-01-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think guys make damn nice friends.
sometimes, i think they're bloody irritating to the max.

tonight(i really hope its just tonight), i hate boys. boys think homosexuality is dumb. i think they are dumbest. according to them, its " no future ", " eee boy and boy very disgusting leh ! " , and " girl and girl can do what ? " all they know is DOING. i don't know cus we are poles apart in mentality with regards to love. or rather, humanity is constructed by society. i choose a completely metaphor( and yes, i hereby argue against such strict idea about homosexuality being taboo.), and i don't know what are theirs. love i say, operates at the most fundemental level of a person's existance. what a simple yet bold word, this simplicity and beauty of this feeling i emphasized, should not be taxed. i guessed guys think that love is about fucking their wives and getting countless orgasms. besides that, they wishes for their spouse to masturbate their ego. and they prolly think signing a document legally equates the brightest future, bearing the " i am king and she's my queen " perception. i say, what the fuck. does getting legally married gurantees you a future. if so, then what is it that keeps both of you strong ? a bloody piece of white paper made of pulp, or is it the ink that flows out from the tip of your expensive mont blanc pen ? if it is a head shake to both, then tell me, what is it then? if your answer to my question is " ermm, love. " , kindly read again the few sentences up about my defination of love.

i sat down and i thought deep. i do NOT have a male friend who gives me his blessings about being with a woman, yet. who wants to be the first ? ( kenneth goh kai min, yes, i'm staring at you right in the eye cus you're my bestest male friend. give me your blessings quickkk if you're reading this ! i'll be the happiest lesbian, ever. )

i seriously wish they can be as liberal about not giving a fuck about wearing a condom during sex.

2007-01-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION !

Flea Market by FRONTAL LABS

@ HOMEclub (The RiverWalk), 27th Jan 2007,

Saturday,

2pm to 7pm.

No age restrictions.

NO cover charge.

Hang The DJ after 7pm.

Spinning Indie & Alternative Rock.

Cover Charge to be confirmed.

For details :

ammelie@gmail.com

www.homeclub.com.sg

HOME is built on 20 Upper Circular Rd #B1-01/06 The Riverwalk S(058416)

------------------------------------

come, bring all your friends, and I will love you long time !

p/s : if you love jac's works as posted by me days back, remember to bring more stash ! she'll be back in sg by then, borrowing space from my stall and churning out tees and wallets outta duct tapes for you ! so, be there or be square !

2007-01-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

gone is miss morose

"What a twisted and misshapen world we live in!" reflected Gévingey, pensively. "Nobody believes in anything any more and yet everybody swallows everything they are told wholesale..."

and i am guilty of that.

i came to conclude on my journey home today that to "wish" and to "hope" is totally inpractical, because the chances of them coming true is hardly real, visible and tangible. it was stupid of me to have blogged last night in a moment of desolation hoping for a girlfriend with a bottle of eyedrops for me promising me in awakening to abundance of love the next. everybody likes things to be story-shaped, but sadly, reality, however is not. and few are the chances that they end in satisfactory ways. i have tired eyes, yes. i didn't do anything about it. it must have been the late nights. i got myself an eyegel today, and treated the bad eyebags just with eyemask. and i massaged in circular motions. i love myself. i remember loving boththe ex-girlfriends more than i love myself. i'll get vitamin Cs for one because she has got persisting sinus issues, and eat mcdonalds happy meals 8 times a week for another because she wants the entire toys collection. how and why did i gobble up 6pieces of nuggets(280Kcal) * 8, when i have to curb my own craving of a charsiewpau of 110Kcal for myself ? this is where we talk about signs of loving someone else more than yourself. and i refuse loving anyone else for now. to love yourself, you give yourself the best treats, you want yourself to grow. and i recalled about my father telling me in durian breath last night about " girl, cannot like that, how can you give up ? very bad. then how to grow up ? you must take challanges and have confidence in yourself. " and i thought i should quit being the loser about feeling all let down by just slight setbacks. i'm afraid to want and love for fear of rejection. regardless of dreams or people. it is tiring to reach. but there is this naggy feeling within me about wanting to reach my goals, so i have to try. and try. and try. and try. the wall will eventually break someday, and i will stare at the debris of brick on the ground with pride.

love.

2007-01-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

- edit 9:28pm

i need a massage, a cup of chamomile tea, and a girlfriend with a bottle of eyedrops for me, saying " get good sleep after dripping this, and wake up to love abundance from me. "

------------------------------

'a' over 'm'

sadness is easier to deal with.

disappointment is difficult to handle.

i think i really hate growing up;

people judge you

top to bottom, in and out.

fucking hell.

i think i'm a loser because i cannot take setbacks.

who wants to move in countryside with me,

care only whether our pumpkins grow or not

and care not about the rest of the world.

2007-01-05T09:06:00.000-08:00

"If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern."- Huxley, The Doors of Perception

the very first time i really wanted something to be called "mine" and to be rightfully possesed by me was when i was 16. my parents couldn't give me what i want. nobody could, because no amount of money can buy me what i want.

it is horrible to be wanting something so badly which cannot be bought off the shelf justlikethat. like, lost memories. like, love. like, health. do i talk like a spoilt brat already ? but, it is scary meeting things you want so badly yet you have doubts of your own capabilities about owning them. and things would be simplified if you can bring it home just by letting the opposite human do transactions with that plastic card of yours. but if its like that, then there wouldn't be true love/achievements/triumph/anything real. everything will be unreal. and i am childish to even think of this.

and by far, i have 3 things that i wanted so badly but i've not come close to possessing them, yet. i doubt my capabilites. but i've not given up hope for any of them because i want them all in the near future. and i will try even harder. i will have my first chance about fufilling my third wish this week. and i am scared about failing myself. because i have my expectations and desires to meet. and just as i'm determined to try very hard...

my horoscope of the day says : Just because there's a wall in front of you doesn't mean that your journey is over!

got wall again. bloody hell. how many walls altogether ? say first, so i can prepare enough bullets in my gun. i will shoot them all down. but guess what, i don't have gun. i only have me and my bare hands. means i gotta knuckle them down, and it will be damn painful. but if i want to get behind the wall, on the otherside, before the others get there, means i have to try as hard as i can.

even if it means to die of exhuastion.

this is what i call, humans and their insatiable appetite for greed. every year during december, i see in peoples' online journals- " all i want for christmas is _____(insert this year's wants) ". every year there's a new word filling that void of the sentence. this year you get this, next year you want that. when will all of us stop wanting ? there should come a day, where we only want one thing ; where we want nothing. don't want car, don't want money, don't want big house, don't want good paying job, don't want hot girlfriend. everybody will just lie on grass and stare into space and drift into sweet slumber. some will lay alone, some will lay with their loved ones. the ones who do not lay with their loved ones will want them to be there. see, and you start to talking about wanting again even if you let go of your material wants.

this is a bloody vicious cycle. we never stop wanting. now you go figure what i exactly want ranting so much about everybodys' wants. i am not happy with myself tonight.

2007-01-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

" double egg is orgasm "

i never like stone butches because i think they get damn fugly when age saturates in. however, ive met this one woman who's still looking hot at 29 years of age. i remember a year plus ago, she placed her hand right on my buttcheek asking if i'm attached, i went home and wrote wenling an email when she was in usa and said " today, R touched my backside and i got high ! " whenever i talk about R being hot in the past, vanessa will speak to me in the most unpleasant tone saying she begs to differ because R is plump according to her (no, R is not exactly plump. V is overly skinny that's all. )

i quote vanessa when i look at plumpy people( if there's sucha word).

" no ? she's not ? she's fat ! and what do you mean by her figure doesn't really matter ? okay then you can go and fuck her face okay. since her face is all you want what ! "

damn lovable she. she's funnily sulky in a way and she enjoys whining ten times a day and requires pacifying 20 times a day. prolly that's what makes me loved her so. sigh :(

okay back to eyecandies !

wenling, i know you think i'm psychotic. but i have to put her picture up. even jac who's always stingy with praises just got to agree she's indeed one of the hottest butch around. (i mean, seriously ! all the butches these days are damn fugly ! )and i still do not understand why she chooses a 18 year old because its wayyyyy paedophilic !

R says " double egg is orgasm "

she doesn't know this, but i'd gladly be her double eggs. yumz !

HOWEVER ! my obsession for androgynous girls STILL stay. unless you are R. hahahaha. androgynous girls who can look intellectually sexy still with that sweet, shy diposition. yumz ! coupled with arresting eyes and a porcelained face. and i would think other than geraldine, and vanessa, i think lynette has got to be the next hotstuff. L, she has got...a habit of masturbating her ego. i don't quite like it. very bad. but, still in my point of view, very pretty and andro looking.

( people say " eh how come lynette and vanessa same hairstyle and same seh one ? i know already you like girls hair like that one right. ")

okay. i think my life had been good seeing all the goodlookers around. c'mon get realistic. don't bother about edison chen or jessica alba. because chances of you getting them are almost zilch. and i think i have to find ways to counteract all situations where i find people looking yummy to minimise the chances of me falling in love. you all know how shallow i am to just settle for merely good looks. i need, to find rules of unattraction to stop all that lesbian lusting. my heart has to get its orgasm first this time round before my eyes does.

2007-01-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect some day to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? Then why do we feel it even when the observation tower comes equipped with a sturdy handrail? No, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

i am afraid of being an airhead, secretly.

january'07 has gotta be one of the most crucial month ever.

7th and 27th, wish me luck y'alls !

2007-01-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

this is jac. she is money face. i am wrong about calling her shanghai baby. i totally adore her works. very rad. but she is too selfish to do anything for me. she wants to charge me sgd30 for each piece. i scolded her big time and she says " haggle la you fool ! this is shanghai. i'm taught to bring up my price lest people haggle. " but she doesn't know that i am in singapore where haggling doesn't bring you anywhere but rude stares and a few critics of being a cheapskate nehneh, this is not pasar malam.

okay whatever. i already forced her to change "its a mod mod world " to " its a girl friendly world " plus its rainbow colors and the scissor sisters shirt... she's bringing them all to me in another 2 weeks ! hohoho. i can't wait for her to come home from shanghai ! very cool that clever jac got inspired by the scissors sisters. the girlfriendly one, however, was TOTALLY my idea ! since its rainbow colored. yumz !

2007-01-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

new year's eve, we have good old fishes to stef's place for steamboat ! but i hate wenling and kenneth for being absent. bird, denise, emily, edward, cherilyn, stef, and stef's mother for being one of the greatest host around. i do not appreciate stef's brother's presence though. very insolent, very irritating. i ate approximately 15 meatballs and i think other than char siew paus, the other secret obsession i have, are for meatballs. yumz ! (and the girl i've adored for years, uncannily now looks like a meatball too, with all that weight she put on. hahaha.) bird was the funniest through. and he's the only survivor among us. we gave up monopoly at 3am, exhausted from all the cussing, swearing, screaming from exhilaration from the many rounds of in-between games, blackjack and whadelseotherthanlosingmoney. very bad for me to lose 20odd dollars on the first day of '07 ! tsk.

denise why your face like that.

stef's mother in the middle

(got more photos. blogger got problem. i got no patience.)

this brings me to the first activity i did for '06. i played bowling at ecp with wenling, shaun and kenneth right after countdown. and i lost. bloody hell; look at my remaining 355 days of '06. as fked up as the bowling game.

new year resolutions whaddaya have ? i have none. they never work anyway. initially, i promised peiru and stef to quit my emo habits. but i came home this morning at 4.10am and realised that i did too much missing of her on the way home in bird's car. after washing up, i left class95 in my room on through the night, feeling all forlorn of comfort. thus i tried seeking them comfort again by having the songs played on the radio, like how she usually did when i did stayovers in the past. first 4 hours of '07, and i already broke my only existing resolution. you tell me how. anyway peiru, i was so tired i didn't have much energy left to emo and so i fell asleep almost immediately after. like that still counted or not ?

very bad.

3ish today, i met wenling at parkway starbucks for tea. and then bumped into michelle whom sat with us for 10mins giving us the latest news in fish and co ! two shocking news about one particular (hot!)person which left me almost dumbfounded. this world, is very twisted. full of twisted people with twisted mindsets ! and weird people with weird tastes ! :( but anyway, guess what else did michelle said ?

" eh emily, you got eyebags ! why you look so old these days ? very different from last time you know ! you look at your eyebags ! come, i take a photo of you and let you see yourself ! last time you don't have eyebags one ! if you don't believe, go look at the old photos all of us took at genting 3 years ago ! aiyooooo."

oh damn it. very good to kickstart '07. there, i stood standing helpless, watching my youthful days slip through my fingers.

now i'm just a bag of lard with eyebags. i got extremely conscious about it and really went through those old photos we took at genting 3 years ago. indeed there were no eyebags ! indeed i look damn old today ! sadness upon sadness. guess what's another thing i realised ? i wasn't even fat 3 years ago. but i could remember vividly complaining to everybody that i was fat then. now as i look at 17 year old emily, she wasn't even fat. why the hell did i said i was fat ? and most of all, why did all of you, my friends, nodded in agreement with me ? want to how sabo.

i never learnt the real meaning of " fat " until i look myself in the mirror today.

and whatever. i am so sick of my hair. this is the longest it can ever get. wait till this sunday the big day is over. i will give it a butch short cut. and be boy. and not care about being fat.

okay whatever. too grumpy to continue. happy new year y'alls !

2006-12-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

-edit 6:00pm

i'll follow whatever caine did in his livejournal. his journal had been one of my favourites. so many emotions. everything meticulously jotted down.

i said '06 was shit. people who were with me all 12 months knows. peiru, wenling, you all know what i'm trying to say. nevertheless, i have really wonderful friends who were there with me through this year. mainly peiru, yunwen, wenling, stef, kerly, kenneth, jac. thank you and i love all of you long time.

january- broke up with vanessa on the 3rd day of the year. cried alone at the clinic while waiting for a fake mc. too emo for school. the remaining 28 days of the month seems damn long.

febuary- struggled with my emotions. studied damn hard for exams not wanting to fail myself. it was a tough fight. i had my cigarettes with me 24/7, and i became the most disgusting girl alive. thankfully exams results were ideal. v'day was being sick and crying under my blanket.

march- hols. worked my life out at the gym 4 times a week.quarrelled with wenling. got closer to yunwen. i love her. my steadiest friend ever. she makes me laugh and make me forget my troubles. i never bathed at home. in the morning, i bathe at sentosa. at night, i bathed at fitnessfirst. i was practically out everyday and i am happy. fell in love(completely) with geraldine see. i became a cardio freak.

april- the geraldine craze ended. vanessa came back. i stupidly felt that i was complete again with all the " good morning,baby", " i can't wait to speak to you tonight. are you going home soon babe ? " bullshit. but i have to admit things were totally loveydovey for us the second time round.

may- school was crap. i never felt anymore helpless in school with a major project from CGH. very crappy indeed. i wanted to really just quit. drifted away from yunwen; she disappeared. i disappeared from fitnessfirst too.

june- worst month of the year. that fucked up ex girlfriend of vanessa was back to attackwith her disgusting acts. i was crazy to even think about maintaining a long distance r/s with her. tension rised. vanessa says she's sorry. i say i want out. she left for australia. broke up with vanessa. got closer to ann. birthday was horrid. thank you to people who tried making it wonderful for me. but those whom i needed most with me left me completely alone.

july- yet another emotional struggle. 2 more months before my next holiday. i have pending assignments by CGH, and had to get used to life being alone again.

august- started working at amore. fucked up workplace with politics. i missed fish and co. with the same crew, i don't mind living and dying fish and co. school days got better. i see light for my project. got closer to kenneth. i see him every saturday without fail.

september- holidays finally. i spend my days making money. got closer to stef.

october- japan and bintan trip. its been hell long since i felt liberation. i was overseas half the month.

november- find myself all infatuated with kerly. school started. attended only 1 lecture in 7 weeks. learnt and understand of the whole fuss about paper chase. knew lynette. failed my first driving test.

december- spend almost everyday of the first and second week in the library studying. returned to fitness first, not wanting to think about anything else. cruise trip with favourite peiru(!) and stef for christmas.

i better be thankful and feel blessed. days had been totally mundane. but at least there are no more school and girlfriend problems.

i know i've said it before but; i survived '06.

and '07 beckons.

-------------------------------------------

-edit 3:33pm

whatever happened

something isn't quite right with me. whatever happened to the emily who'd spend her entire weekend in town/parkway for tea, shopping trips , movies and a whole load of fun.

it happened during the two weeks when i had to study for term tests. i made sure i stay home or in the library to study bearing what my dad said in mind " stay at home and study la girl. you think you have no time to go shopping ah ? study hard, when you grow up, you have ample time to do whatever you want la okay ? " he emphasized, on the word, "ample".

now, its holidays and i am just a bag of lazy bones ! and i am stuck at home. the only place i feel like going will be vivo city. but the disgusting crowd is almost a complete turnoff. whatever happened to me. i don't use to care if there are crowds. or not.

oh no. am i secretly morphing into a boring home girl. i hope not ! bring me out somebody. tell me " go la go la ! we go shopping and eat damn alot okay ? "

:(

---------------------------------------

tonight i am in a horrible mood. funny how something from a 13 year old can affect me this bad. i dont know. i think i am so tired. when i say i dont want to care, maybe i really shouldnt at all. and live up to my promise of not giving a damn about anything regarding them.

i think i am dying of exhaustion.

2006-12-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

maelda sasha jill sia yunwen

hello yunwen. i missed you. the last time we actually went out together was early may this year. fitnessfirst isn't the same without you. i have no motivation to run/cycle. you're the most steady pom pee pee friend i've had. we'd see each other 4 times a week, and never on a sunday because you have church. we would see each other at fitnessfirst as early as 9am. even when you went clubbing the night before. we will cycle like siao in class and maverick will call us chickens and then we'll come out of the studio cussing like there's no tmr. " wah lau, why he so rude, call us chickens. nabeh. " you are my nabeh friend who will spend such a long time showering/blowing your hair/changing into clean clothes. while waiting for the elevator, we will ask each other things like " eh you think i got slim down not ? like never lor ! " remember early this year, we promise to have the hottest body by 240606, but whatever happened ? we still binge and later.. from 4 times a week in the gym, to 3, to 2, and finally to none. bang ! we are back to our roundest. in the suana room, you filled me in with stories of you and caleb. i filled you in stories about me with vanessa and sweared i'll never go back to her. whatever happened to all that swearing ? we then later conclude the 2406 babies are emo babies. oh, chorlor babies too.

thank you for the tickets to mediacorp so i could watch geraldine. she is really not ah beng. i remember saying something disgusting that " if geraldine is ah beng, i will gladly be ah lian. " hahaha. thank you for joining me in those cycling classes even though you hated cycling. and for driving me to chompchomp and introducing your favourite egg tauhuay. thank you for allowing me to be timon, and for being pumba. i missed us both at forever21 hoping we can squeeze into the S tag of their clothes as days pass.

you are one of the greatest thing that happened to me in 2006. i love you yunwen !

2006-12-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

cus you bring out the best in me

christmas came and went. i am happy cus i spent it with 2 of my favourite people burying our heads in food galore, funny talks, sea breeze, k-pop and... cheap cheap phuket shopping ! yumz ! i don't wish to include the disgusting penang shopping. not forgetting, what seems like ten million Ms (mustafas) on board ! i let the visuals do the talking.

oh i love my friends. i really have very limited number of friends whom i love and treasure. i am stingy with my love.

today, i went ikea shopping with chen mummy and chen sisters. we had meatballs ! and soft-served icecream ! yumz ! i went back to their new home after, and had a nice christmas present laid on the table by chen father.

yummy red casio watch.

p/s : chen ting has the white one.

oh i love all of them so.

and i had favourite broccoli for dinner ! oh i hate you if you say broccolis are nasty vegetables. and chicken soup. and had lele screaming, squeezing my breasts and pinching my arms for video-ing her as she dances to the music on the tv. halfway through dinner, i droped my fork and spoon straight into my plate when i suddenly heard chen ting's voice in the house. the immediate message that was brought to my brain was, " WHAT, I THOUGHT SHE WON'T BE BACK FOR DINNER. " however, all was nice. funny how those " how peiru/stef, my heart still beats for her." came out from my mouth just like that even after 2 years. that has got to be the cheesiest line ever for 2006. damn. it was good sitting beside her watching tv. it felt like how it was used to be. she cared more than she was supposed to, and i think she believes how much i adore her. i am right for calling her my " affinity ". i am happy. even for being " we care alot for each other " friends :)

so tonight, its 4 more days to '07 and i am very glad ! 2006 was shit. and i realised as i age, i have lesser expectations of people and of situations. i have more of those for myself though. yay, wrap up '06 quick.

hello everyone, if you don't know yet ; i survived '06.

2006-12-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

today i nearly died of boredom at home. i started bugging jac online and she gave me access to her friendster account to meddle with. and then i saw this in her message inbox !

and then, there was this funny msn conversation !

i'm so glad i have funny friends like jac who can talk about anything and everything with me and make me laugh.

okay, pack bag. leave singapore. soon soonn soon !

2006-12-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

e is f___ed.

hey there delilah
what's it like in new york city
i'm a thousand miles away
but girl tonight you look so pretty
yes you do
time square can't shine as bright as you
i swear its true.

i do not fancy christmas. not when i am alone without a girlfriend. thankfully i will be away from singapore for christmas this year. away from the disgusting crowd. at the last minute of christmas eve, i will sit down with stefanie(but i will not talk to her. my rule is no talking during emo time.) and play plain white ts' on miss leah( miss leah is my ipod.) and stare at stars if there are any. after that, i will turn my head and tell stef, i am so f_____ , or, stef i feel so f_____ and end my sentence with a big HOW or WHY like i always do. i wouldn't mind if i cry because there will only be stef and i. no parties no crowd no face to talk about. i have an obsession with emotions and i am not afraid to feel the biggest of them.

how, why.

nobody. nobody can ever give me the answers to my questions because the problem lies in me which i know.

anyway. time to cut hair.

2006-12-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

flames to dusts, lovers to friends

all i want for christmas is closure.

but i read today that,

" you want nothing when you are trying to forget the something that is everything. "

i don't want to think about it already.

2006-12-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

------edit 2:20pm

When she goes I sit among the cuttings and papers and they feel like old wrappings, the crumpled and torn tissue round precious things so long ago put by that the reasons that made them worth keeping have disintegrated silently inside their coverings. Treasures shrink with time, as do the objects of all youthful ecstacsiesl; unwrapped and recalled later, they are mystifyingly undeserving of preservation.

i am back to using my good old panasonic pink phone. it felt weird in my hands. i remember holding it like it was made to fit my hands. last night when i held it, i just felt weird. i went through all 500 messages i have in that phone, and it left me in reminisce for quite awhile. nothing kills better than a dose of reminisence. and its best accomplice would be the chilly weather and the saddest love songs on the player. i went through the photos i took using that phone too. there were mainly vanessa and i, jason and stefanie. all these were, merely 8 months ago.

stef said,

" emo-ing about v just had to happen again. well, things bound to change.even the same place will look different one year later. "

and then i conclude. i hate changes. and i'm afraid to look back cus mostly, things were not like how i thought they were. so, i'm not going to look back so much anymore.

its been pouring so hard and much it scares me. i refuse to go out, and here i am talking to jac online. we both talk about " staying together with our girlfriend like married like that " when we're slightly older. (according to her, " can fuck everywhere in the house. " hahaha.) i thought it would be a hell load of sweetness overload just staying with my porcelain faced girlfriend. i would not mind if she eats my food, and i want to sit on steps while she takes a bath and look at her and our photos together and wished i'd know her forever and hear her voice on my ear and feel her skin on my skin. spend every single wakening moment together and tell her about the tree angel enchated forest girl who flew across the ocean because she loves her and wonder why she says i'm spouting nonsense.

and i added about, not necessary for me having to be attached now because if it happens, then okay very good congratulations emily. but if not, then too bad (and at the same time, save up my tears too.)

so its been pouring so hard, i will spend the rest of tuesday rearranging my itunes, cleanse my soul in literary quotes, finding comfort in good music and slumber.

-------------------------------------------------------------

yummay days !

oh days had been absolutely yummay after friday ! i think i've been influenced by kerly big time because yummy now is yummay, ya now is yar, ! now is !!, hey now is heyhey and much moreee.

all the midsem testpapers i had were yummay ! i ate all the questions up and it was tres filling ! guess what i'm going to shit out ? all the As and Bs !! hohoho i'm so gonna do well ! p.s : yes so what if i have no shame. i really studied damn hard, and i deserve all those credits. come blanket me with your praises !

saturday was from gashaus to HOMEclub to loof with stefanie the xiao long pau. from thingalings to all things yummay ! oh yummay yummay ! i love flea markets ! and i bought this cool little book of warped, twisted few liners of dark humour. and i had such a good time laughing over them stories !

and sunday, was charlotte's web with kenneth. oh sorry kenneth that it was way boring for you. but i absolutely love it ! i feel drowned when i'm town. all i see were heads bobbing around the congested passageway. and rain fall from concrete color sky ! slippery floor with sole-less slippers makes a terrified emily ! oh not so yummay.

today, i got my ipod ! oh happiness. now i gotta think of a name. and i've been very busy rearranging all the songs nicely in my itunes. i even got an ipod dock speaker !! yummiest of all ! :) by the way friends, if you all are interested in an ipod, get it from me okay. i am (un)officially the organiser of an ipod spreeee !

richard says he wants to give me an indian lesbian for christmas. i think he has no respect ! i told him, fine, make chen ting an indian and i will gladly be with an indian lesbian. but then if chen ting turns indian, chen wei automatically turns indian too since they are all from the chen family. in this case, both richard and i will have indian girlfriends ! oh yayness !
and richard is tres lousy becus he only tried friedrice and soup from chen mama before ! i've tried that since 4 years ago when he was an LCP in rank. hahahaha. oh what a fun brother in law i have. we are going to the chen family side and help them shift house next weeeeeek !

look how yummay my days are !
:) :D =) =D

2006-12-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

warped, twisted, few liners, dark little stories.

Ginny was depressed and suicidal

She swallowed 3 ecstacy pills and

dehydated to death

happily on the dancefloor.

and i have such a fun time at home digesting all of them !

2006-12-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

and i was saying, suddenly i have people reappearing in my life again. guess what today ! dexter han yayyyyy ! oh cutesy dexter. never ever will i forget the physics guru who trained me damn hard in physics ! WENDY TAN ! WENDY, DEXTER AND EMILY NEEDS TO GO OUT NEXT WEEK !

" so are you still with chen ting "
" NO ? SO LONG ALREADY ! YOU CRAZY ? "

2006-12-16T03:54:00.000-08:00

last year today, our lessons ended at 11am. we met at the school bus stop and took an express bus down town. i bought a watch and painted a piggybank for you. it was a cow, but i had no idea why i painted it pink. so it turned out to be like a pig. you said you like the piggybank even though it was fugly. i asked if you were sure. but i know how we always promise to not say anything which we do not mean and you will never lie. after filling lunch, you said " my favourite drink is back ! lets go starbucks ! " and you ordered an ice blended peppermint mocha. it was yummy. but sadly they only have it during christmas season. and then you had to rush for church camp. i said, " happy birthday baby ! i love you ! " as i see you rush off at the entrance of the church. on my way home, i received a message that says " thank you for everything baby ! " and i smiled to myself as i read it. i thought, going against all odds was altogether very worth. before i fall asleep that night, i wrote down in my diary, 19 reasons why i'm glad you were borned.

today, i never mentioned anything. i bought a psychedelic postcard which says " v is for vine. viny winy twiny vine ! " which i'm intending to mail over to your house because i remembered how much you love postcards and how i called you my postcardwhore then. starbucks peppermint mocha is back in store after a year. when i first drank it again this year, i remembered vaguely how you tasted like with post peppermint breath. but all doesn't quite taste the same today, strangely. three days ago, you texted and asked me if i hate you, really. i didn't know what to say. and then, i sit down and wander today, whether i still have 19 reasons why i'm glad you were borned. because just 2 days ago, i said i need 20 reasons not to look back.

2006-12-14T01:09:00.000-08:00

EDIT 11:07PM

i really lost my calculator. i think i left it at coffeebean at gardens ystd. i refused to buy a new one because none can replace the very same one i had with me for years. the one which i got my tuition classmate, victoria, to use her very nice silver markerpen to draw a very cute whale on it for me. the one which i jabbed the "on" button so damnit hard and many times over the years whenever i cannot get my calculations right. and i only have myself to blame for losing it ystd. this brings me to nothing being for forever. and, yet another emo trip.

strangely, post-exam elation has not settled in. but i truely appreciate the coming 2 weeks break for me to get rid of the malfunctionals and dysfunctionals thoughts in the mind/ things lying around the room. a little pruning is good. anything superfluous/ undesirable has to go (as much as you are unwilling to.) because everybody needs space. all that suffocates the hell out of you and deprieve you of breaths should go.

and this brings me to, as much as me wanting to practice indifference, i can't really sometimes.
prolly i've not tried hard enough. prolly i need another 20 more reasons not to look back.

--------------------------------------

HOW CAN IT BE SO COINCIDENTAL.. OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I THINK I WANT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL NOW. NO, MAYBE NOT. MAYBE I JUST WANT TO HIDE UNDER MY BLANKET AND CRY.

PEI RU, REMEMBER THAT PRETTY PLAN I TOLD YOU AT GARDENS 2 SUNDAYS AGO. IT IS NOW VERY VERY FOILED. NOT MUCH OF A PRETTY SURPRISE ANYMORE.

:( I AM MISS GROUCHY.

2006-12-13T05:51:00.000-08:00

i lost my calculator just 10 hours before my paper the very next day.

sg should have a 24hr bookstore.

time has been passing extremely slow. i don't like.

and as usual, i have alot of "hows" in which i hope she can answer to.

2006-12-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

E : so how's you ? eh, is army more tough or SJAB training tougher ?
K : hmmm, if you ask me when i just enlist, i'd think that SJAB is more tough.. but even if you ask me now, i STILL THINK THAT SJAB TRAINING IS MORE TOUGH.
E : YAYYY ! MEANS I CAN ALSO GO SIGN ON ARMY !!
K : haha ya, in army, we don't get barang barang parade, no change parade, they also won't come and disturb our stuff !

and damn, those were the days. never will i forget running around, holding one big gulp of tap water in my mouth, spit it back into my plastic pink cup just to ensure its full when the officers come around to check, and later swallow it big gulp again. and then we will go to pulau ubin with 3 tins, 2 mass tins, 2 1.5L of icemountain water and one bloody poncho all covered with mud and soil. when we reached pulau ubin, we will be damn happy because we get to unload everything, and cook in the most unhygenic manner you could ever think of. hahaha, yay, suddenly i'm so proud of us st johnnies !! yay, i'm so proud of K.T NAH i bet army was a piece of cake for you.. but why you never managed to OCS ! :(

strangely, i've been catching up with alot of people whom i've not spoke to for eons. like, wendy tan, kenneth nah, candy koh. yay, i'm so glad they're reappearing in my life again !

2006-12-11T01:18:00.000-08:00

i mentioned 2006 is a stinky year right. i fell sick on valentines' day this year and spent the entire evening crying under covers over a horrid girl. and then i fell sick again one day before my driving practical test in novemeber. tomorrow is my first paper for midsem tests and i fell sick again today !!

anw, i'm indeed lonely. stefanie left for KL today. xue xia left for KL too. kenneth is still in bangkok. kerly is flying off on friday ! oh no. lonely girl i am !

I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK ! YAY YAY !

2006-12-10T02:42:00.001-08:00

-----edit 6:24pm

sneaky kerly will always be sneaky kerly(despite being sick whole of yesterday). on the doorstep, i found a nice blue box with silver ribbon, and a big packet of starburst babies ! see, i've got candies, treats and cutesy marker written handwritting.

and i thought all that she wrote on the card was especially cute ! :) i'm upset that she wouldn't be around and that she's flying off on the 15th right on the last day of my paper. but oh well nevermind, i'll anticipate for her return again on the 25th ! much lucks for your badminton tournie kerly !

----------------------------------------------------

there is this one person i knew from long ago. but i never really once considered her my friend. i did when i was a kid, but after growing up and learning much from those countless bitching she did with no qualms(and then later, cried victim) i got very sick of her antics, i don't really want to talk much to her anymore. from years ago. i hear from my friends, and my friends hear from me. and we all finally thought, okay. stay away. and i'm very glad we all did. i protect my close friends. and i will not allow her to inject shit into their veins anymore. speaking of which, i have a few friends whom i keep damn close to the heart and a few others whom i'll just dump right into the chute. in my 20years of existance by far, she is the second one. whoever who befriends to betray, you go right down the chute. byebye, i shut you out of my life.( and don't you attempt to come back with a smelly backside and a teary face and hug and apologise to my friends like you always do.)
-
i'm exasperated for the 2 weeks mid sem break ! i've already made so much plans from the 15th onwards ! oh happy. however, there is this one lovely face i've been dying to see.
let it be soon please ? :)

2006-12-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

what good is a saturday when kenneth is away in bangkok, and kerly is sick at home.

i'm starting to not really like weekends.

---------EDIT 6:32pm

E to S : hey you take bus huh. okay you take bus, i sit bmw. i see you there. hahahahaha.
S to E : walau, i treat you so nice, and this is how you treat me !
-
S to E : eh like that, will you still hang out with me there later or not.
E to S : i won't hang out with you. but you can hang out with me if you want.

dear stef, i love you my xiao long pau no matter how crude my words are. PEARL ATTACK SOONNNNNN !

2006-12-08T03:33:00.000-08:00

i wanted to study already, but wendy tan came to talk to me on msn. and she said " we have to meet up soon, i got so many things to tell you and bitch about." so you see, i'm still stuck on msn with her now bitching about the one person since years ago. (and years later, we're still barely done with the bitching.) hoho. anyway candy, you me and wendy next friday okay ! we are always saying we three should meet up but we never do ! okay anyway i think its weird to stay home on a friday evening. this is already my third friday evening at home. so weirddd. you see, stef is in town with sally. wenling is out dating with boyfriend. kerly is at badminton training, and kenneth.. in bangkok ! oh sadness and i'm stuck at home, with 4 testpapers to worry about.

but on a happier note. i'll be seeing kerly tmr !

yay, i better study hard.

2006-12-07T06:26:00.000-08:00

i am not hungry now. but i am bored. and so, i want to eat. but wenling doesn't want to ride.

wenling, all i want for christmas is dimsum. go go go. eat eat eat. beg beg beg. please please please. tolong tolong tolong. go laaaaaaaa !

charsiewmany,
your charsiewpau baby.

cheecheongfun & charsiewpau says : eat me good, emily !

2006-12-05T03:35:00.000-08:00

i can't wait. 25 more days. all the shit will then be over. i think.

2006-12-04T07:26:00.000-08:00

last christmas, i gave you my heart
but the very next day
you gave it away
this year
to save me from tears
i'll give it to someone special.

whoopee whoppp !
how apt :)

2006-12-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

there was this casual remark i made to someone 4 years ago while we were having lunch at novena mcdonalds. so casual that i don't even remember myself saying it today.

but. it must have caused much impact on his life. because today, he reminded me about it, and boy did he proved me wrong !

wah, i never knew i spoke with such volume and substance that it can almost changed someone's life. i thought i always talk gibberish. hahahaha whatever la emily. go study and eat your sushi tei laaaa !

OUT :)

2006-12-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

happy things
i managed to make studying my new hobby
i cut my fringe today
my ipodvideo arrives in another 1 week
i ate porkchop rice
i drank 2 bowls of yummy soup
i bought 3 cupcakes. (nutella one for breakfast tmr !)
i ate 4 bowls of kuay chup ystd. ( i could have eaten more if not for the fat cat who came along and scare the hell out of me. i dropped my spoon and walked away immediately)
i ate oatmeal cookie crunch ben&jerrys
i'm going back fitnessfirst without the ridiculous admin fee.
i'm going sushi tei tmr with pei ru
MY FATHER JUST CAME IN AND SAY " EH GIRL, WANT TO GRILL PRAWNS ? THE BIG BIG PRAWNS. :) "

unhappy things
the messenger bag which i ordered from UO is out of stock. (so much for anticipating. and i'm really upset for this.)
huge traffic jam ystd and we didnt managed to drive in malaysia truely asia.
no more saturdays with kenneth because his new job needs him on shift all saturdays.
termtest period in another 2 weeks
i am fat.
i have no money.
my heart is plagued by some issues
i have a huge ulcer on my lower lip.

2006-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

tonight i need someone to talk to. tonight i want to spend my night out. but no one is available tonight.

2006-11-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

-------------------EDIT 1:53am

lynette C says she doesn't bother prounouncing her words properly and she just basically slurrrrrrrs. i think the word ' slurrrrrrrs ' is pretty hot. we talked from the best marketing team of companies to human resource departments to doing operations to advertising and promotions. we jumped and did mass conclusions about all universities in singapore(she exclaimed a huge nono to SIM, how wenling yunwen stef ?). from 1.8K if you're not too lucky and 2.2K if you're very lucky. from me playing barbie and she playing lego when we were young and how much she thinks barbie sucks cus their hair are so very thick and always tangled up and how i find lego-playing kids are usually smarter. and she's too short, fat, tattoo-ed despite the pretty face for SIA (plus she slurrrrrrs most of the time.) and then a brief summary of what i'm going to do upon graduation.

suddenly, i have alot of smart people around me. and through them, i see what is important. oh man, i'm way slow. i will study doubly hard from tomorrow. this is a bloody dog eat dog world we're living in. this is a game of survival. and the coolest reality tv show.

---------------------EDIT 11:39pm

ignore my previous entry. i will not let figments of the past put me down.

today's my last slack weekday(other than monday dinner with my best friend). till two weeks from now, at least. i will officially have no life from tomorrow onwards because hardcore studying starts tomorrow evening. (kerly, you're the best influence by far.) i am an excellent mugger. i will suffocate my schedule. i am going to screw my lecture notes silly, jab my calculator so much that it dies on me before exam. all because nothing (except falling out of love) feels anymore horrid than scribbling everything of everything of nothing on those wretched pieces of papers.

how can i forget, to stop wasting youth and feel very useful in life too.

----------------------------------------------------------------

2006-11-29T01:48:00.000-08:00

"She's the one for you, she's the girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because the smell of her makes your head swim, because you get a physical jolt everytime she sends a glance your way.. I mean, she touches you here, and you feel it here. You touch her anywhere.. and you feel it everywhere. And then boom, it's 6 months later, and she's touching someone else."

-

last night, i watched her marry someone else in the church and it seemed almost real.
such a silly dream.
but why do i tear in my sleep and feels that gnawing pain in my heart when i awake ?

it still kinda plagues me. still.

2006-11-28T02:06:00.000-08:00

i've been feeling rather burnt out with all the reports/tests all so soon to due. i wish for a little getaway to the beach this weekend. 12mn, starbucks blended peppermint mocha, and TOAST nutella cupcake alongside. grant me all of the above, i'll be happy. and i'll love you long time.

for now, i need to stop sulking.

if i were to die, how long would you cry ?

2006-11-27T03:11:00.000-08:00

i'm worried for tmr's test because if i produce only mediocre sort of results, my teacher is going to blacklist me. the girl who's always half an hour late for her class. she quites hate me already, i think. she talks quite rudely to me. either that, she's a sexist.

2006-11-26T21:52:00.000-08:00

oh what lazy sunday ! my father started annoying me since early morning during brunch time. every of his sentences are very annoying. i cut him halfway each time he attempts to speak and i say "keep quiet la ! don't make me angry on a sunday morning. " then he just want to be how childish. when i talk about the ipod promotion, he also say "keep quiet la ! don't make me angry on a sunday morning." oh no, i hope he bring me to the apple shop later. but i doubt. i want to buy the black ipod video ! then all my gadgets will be black. my phone is black. my camera is black. and my ipod is black !! :)

oh after ystd, i don't think i want to be kenneth's girlfriend already. i think being his sister is so much better because....

"hello emily are you free to go town with me for awhile. i need to buy something for my sister."
"why ? because she did well for her psle is it. "
"ya."
"aiya, i'll be meeting wenling to study at parkway later. you come parkway la ? why must go town and buy leh ? "
"because what i want to buy for my sister is something called a "nano" "

can you be my brother, kenneth ? i will do well for my coming tests okay. and you can buy me something called a "video" :) oh and he ended buying two nanos ! one for himself and one for little carolyn ! and guess what. i just called him. he's at takashimaya now, on his way to apple to buy himself a laptop !! oh captain hook is rich with all his treasures !!!

i'm rather hooked on online shopping lately. after those urban outfitters order, i've been contemplating about the lomography spree. but i cannot afford. and then ystd i participated in the ELF spree. ELF= EYES LIPS FACE. though i don't really need them, i just HAD TO PARTICIPATE because everything at ELF is only going for USD1 !! which is like SGD1.60. hahahah. so i bought 5 items and then i'll experience that cheap thrill that costs me 8dollars when i receive the mail in my mailbox weeks later ! oh i love mails !

oh ya. another obsession of late- ye man nai nai is how funny. have you all watched ? its a must watch okay ! i have 9 more episodes to go. and i am intending to watch 2 more later before studying for test. i'm almost done with studying already actually. cus i studied at starbucks with wenling ystd. and when i came home, i studied somemore. wenling, have you figured econs ? don't be too busy falling in love k. next time if we study, don't talk so much okay ? i don't want to fail. if you want to fail, you fail alone okay ? :)

ystd as wenling and i was walking around parkway, she suddenly said.

" i hope you get attached before your 21st."

and it got me wondering quite alot actually. hope la okay, wenling. its always good to hope :)

2006-11-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

instead of studying for the few upcoming tests, i spent thursday night spree-ing on urban outfitters. one frock dress, another dress, and a messenger bag. *p.s kenneth, i bought another bra ystd. okay, i know i only have one pair of breasts and you always wonder why i always buy so many bras. after blowing sgd90 online, i flushed a cockroach down the toilet bowl. it chose its death. i chased it from the toilet to the masterbed room. bloody cockroach survived hot water. and so, i watched it grow breathless on baygon.

over cold storage shopping this evening, i hear my dad talk about his grandson. he gave elliot the heart chocolates which i bought him on his birthday.

" when i gave him the heart chocolates, he said "HEART !! " very loudly. wah, clever boy elliot !! "

the grandpa was very amused by 2 year old elliot. and he gave him all the heart chocolates which i bought for him in the end. aww, my father loves his grandson more than his daughter.

hello boring thursday. fast forward 12 more thursdays pleaseee !

2006-11-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

over dimsum lunch today, i made a self confession and exclaimed that i'm almost hopeless when it comes to Love. wenling just laughed it away. tonight as i'm doing my final year report, jac told me from shanghai,

"i hate to use that word on you, emily. you are hopeless. and why do you have to grovel like that ?!! "

i'm the biggest love kamikaze alive, and i think Love is a pretty ugly(pun intended) thing.

2006-11-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

last night i had a very good(satisfying) dream. i was perpetually smiling throughout. i could feel it. no prizes for guessing who i dreamt of because everybody sure know who one. i was really happy, i could feel that its morning already but i refused to get up...until at 9ish, being the light sleeper as i am, my phone vibrated

" hello emily ah ! want watch movie tonight or not !"

very anti-climax can ! why you always do the wrong thing at the wrong time stefanie ! UGH.

----------------EDIT 3.13pm

to all my friends who cared/or prolly just looking for another hot topic to talk about,

i know vanessa is back in singapore. i still do care for her. but i don't want to be bothered with any issues concerning her anymore. you all know how much i've been holding back. for the reason being, she was the biggest disappointment ever. you all know what kind of a relationshit i was in with her. no not just her. but her ex girlfriend from hell who didn't give me peace. i have been receiving messages that says " hey emily is vanessa back in singapore ? i think i saw her at ___________(insert appropriate place). " yes to satisfy all your curiosities, she is back in singapore. i don't want to know if she grew feminine/taller/looking still the same/prettier/hair alot longer/very pretty with her significant dimples whatsoever. i don't care if she was at wisma/parkway or the motorcar exhibition. all of you can continue reading about her life in her blog. but please know that it took me much effort to finally stop visiting her blog and learning much about her life. all for one sole purpose- to move on with life. the towel was thrown in long time ago. loved and lost, and finally moved on. i hope all of you can help me this way.

and know that, i don't need her faith to keep me alive and i can be happy on my own too.

2006-11-21T06:15:00.000-08:00

today i had school from 10-5. but i was in town from 11-3. the weather is so good tonight. my eyelids are heading south after mild studying. i am very sleepy but i refused to sleep. thank you wenling, for offering to ride me to ellington square. riding in the rain is fun ! though i cannot help feeling tattoo-ed, and scared. i promise to remember the route now. nutella cupcakes are love. so are the citrus lemon ones. tomorrow i have a test. i am almost done and confident with the okumura theory. but not too sure of the okumura-hata one. i hope the latter stays safe and not come out. after one hour of mad calculation tmr, i'll be heading for geylang dimsum bingeing and i'll down 5 charsiewpaus and ignore all hargaos. gone are the skinny days. *i was never skinny bytheway. mae, do you want to return to fitnessfirst ? if not, i'd go back alone. i think i want to seek back the old obsession. i missed their toilet.

quote of the day.

" i think its pretty common for girls to think other girls are hot la. the defining thing would be that it has to be a sexual thought to be a lesbian."

i second that. life is good.

2006-11-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

saturday night gave me a teary sad dream with mixed emotions involved. oh what lazy sunday today. tomorrow is stinky monday. who likes 9-5 on a monday ? hey wenling, riding on endlicheri for dimsum bingeing on wednesday afternoon right ? oh i love bingeing (with charsiewpau involved.) thursday is cool, one more day to the weekends ! my favourite is saturday. i can sleep in till the ceiling collapse on my face. pop sweet popcorn in my mouth and sit unglamly in the theatre with captain hook. but first off, i can't wait for friday night with whendeetan, candeekoh, and xuexianeo. been soooo long ! there, sums up whole of coming week soooo pleasant !

emmerleetan.

---------------------EDIT 1.22AM

my daddy is drinking martell and eating garlic bread and barbequed prawns while watching football on telly. i came out of my room and said " i also want garlic bread daddy ! so fat already eat eat eat !see my daddy so fat yo' !"

and i end sunday night grilling more prawns, spreading garlic butter on bread, toasting it all together with my father :)

2006-11-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

free loop

you know sometimes you just want to give up the expectations and hopes and learn to appreciate the little things in life. and when you finally did it, you feel relieved. i like all the people i have in my life now. i want none to go away, and none to come(back)into my life as well. stagnancy is good. some sort of mindlessness is good. its hard to always think about life and people.

i'll study for my test tomorrow, be a couch potato for the rest of the noon, and still be very lazy to cut my nails. now, who wants to cut my nails ?

2006-11-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

fresh milk turned sour.

" so you're 20 years old only ? so young. i do not have any twenty year olds around me, except for my ex tuitionkid "

" your ex girlfriend looks like me ? then she must be very goodlooking."

" do 20 year old kids come home so late these days ? "

i'm uber disgusted. tested and proven, goodlooks doesnt equate to nice personality.

2006-11-15T06:44:00.001-08:00

readers from the early days of teasedfringes, hello. if you all can still remember...

FAKE GERALDINE

( mae sia yunwen, can you remember !)

yesterday jac gave me first part of the surprise. today she gave me the second(and best) part. wayyyy coincidental yo' ! i was way excited i dialed her shanghai number.

" tell more more jac."

(all that gibberish.)

" omg jac ! i'm so excited ! okay byebye i talk to you online "

" bitch. i feel so misused. you used me. "

don't say like that la jac. phonebill expensive right.

2006-11-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

and if we don't step up, we'll lose our groove

last week, over the weekends, till this afternoon, what i felt like was a post-it note almost losing its adhesive ability. oh what shame. i skipped school on friday because " fail driving test.. no mood to go to school. " i sat at gardens coffeebean last night with wenling, sipping on chamomile tea thinking i'd figure out everything there. but no, it didn't work cus i came home with a third attack. everything just returned to a square one. i skipped morning lesson today because " sorry, too emo for school." and i spent the rest of the morning hours burying my head in my pillow thinking what other fuckups my life has got in store for me.

my heart rule my mind. i am very ashamed of the very fact that i always allow my emotions to take control of situations. i thought about it in the bus today and i know it is almost impossible for me to achieve emo nirvana this lifetime. if i can have a supernatural power of sort, i would want to achieve emo nirvana. nothing would trigger my emotions. i'll be very stagnent and remain very sane. things started looking up (in the late afternoon), i figured out solutions and consolations to all 3 attacks and now everything's more or less right with the world.

the only remaining thought in my mind now as i sink my teeth into a happy cupcake; puppy next weekend or puppy not ?

:)

2006-11-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

WHY LIKE THAT.

LAST WEEK, I HAD THE FIRST ATTACK. I TRIED NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. YESTERDAY, I HAD MY SECOND ATTACK. IT DIVERTED MY ATTENTION A LITTLE FROM THE FIRST ONE, BUT I WOKE UP TODAY FEELING DOUBLY HORRID AND DOUBLY UPSET. TONIGHT, I HAVE MY THIRD ATTACK.

WHY THEY ALL ALL LIKE THAT, MY HEART REALLY DOESN'T FIND IT FUNNY.

YOU KNOW WHAT. I GIVE UP.

-----------EDIT 11.59PM

THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY EARPHONE JUST DROPPED INTO THE CUP OF WATER BESIDE MY LAPTOP.

THIS IS HGREGREGRDGVDFDS ANNOYING.

2006-11-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

love will a painter make you, such, as you.

i don't like feeling big feelings, great emotions.

2006-11-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

---------------------------------------------- 9.39am

it had just been half an hour since i woke up, and 2 people already annoyed me big time.

i don't know if it is my problem or is it that its some issue worth getting annoyed about. i'm starting to get frightened by myself.

you know, my life had been angsty filled since 3 days ago. i don't want to make this blog so angsty infested. really bad.. i don't think i'd be blogging anymore, not until when i have something happy to blog about.

quotable quote from Stef.

E : ay, nevermind la. i promised myself that i'll not settle for anything less than perfection anyway.

S : but... can you think of anybody who can be anymore perfect than her ? she's the best so far already.

--------------------------------------------------------

no, don't get me wrong.. i don't like hello kitty. i want to get used to things that i don't like. because i have them all around me now. so i have to adapt quick :)

something bad/maybe not so bad happened today. i am lazy to talk about it. but strangely, i didn't felt much when it happened. when all bad things come tumbling down all together, an extra one just doesn't matter much anymore. oh yayness, i think i've achieved emotions nirvana.

tonight i will write in my diary and listen to many songs. i've washed my hands off everything and i walked myself home today. very nice indeed :)